Our egos are funny things, I always find myself judging others – at least within my mind if not openly. Yeah I guess this is something a lot of people do. After all it is a way of enforcing our perceived identity; “Urg look at him – I am better than that!” Problem is I feel I do this a bit too often, but maybe that is simply me being self-depreciating. It’s something I want to get away from at any rate – that much is for certain.
It’s not just something that happens in my mind though or in my conversations – it also manifests in my writing. Sometimes in the form of a superiority-complex – which in truth is really an inferiority-complex. Truth is, I am becoming very uncomfertable with how I try and stand aloof from people. Don’t get me wrong, I am about as down to earth as you can get, but I don’t have much tolerance for the bull-shit social games people play. The ego-aggrandizement and the competitiveness are all issues I very much dislike dealing with. And when I look at people all I see are the games they play in an attempt to make themselves feel validated, I end up look at these people as though they are swimming in shit.
It’s not that I think I am better than them, it is more a case of through their own actions and lack of self-awareness, they lower themselves down and reduce so much of the potential they could otherwise have. And that gets to me for two reasons. One, because their crap interferes too much with me – they play their social games and expect me to participate. Their lack of understanding subtlety leads to the need for more, bigger, brighter, louder etc; and that too messes me and mine about. And then that makes it very difficult for me not to view people as idiots.
And that leads me onto point two; these people really don’t have to be that way. It is a lack of ‘education’ so to speak which causes it. It is a result of our materialistic society. Foolishness confounded by foolishness. And that’s when I want to do nothing but help. And that poses another problem because people don’t want to face themselves, and they either don’t want to be helped or believe they have no problem with they crap they do.
And in the end that brings me back to feeling a tad judgmental, with the feeling that I know better than them. If I do know better than someone else – should I feel that makes me better? I certainly don’t feel I am better or superior. But I do feel that I am far more aware. Are those the same things?
You know – I really do suspect that they aren’t…
