I will join this vast conceit – and so too I will join that vast host and elaborate upon my existence and my thoughts.  I too will give form to what I believe is, to what should be and what was.  A pauper after all is not unlike his kin.  We all seek to understand and to be understood.  We all feel and want a place within this life.  We all seek recompense and acknowledgement.

Why not after all?  We think there for we are; or so we are told.  We reach into the great tomes of history, claim vast importance from the generalities of historians and the acclaimed fables of Greece, Rome and Egypt.  A knowledge lost, yet even as we reach for it we commit a failure of understanding.  We tie ourselves into the existence of the vast universe.  The motions of the gods and the stars themselves – and we find meaning within this vast comprehensible structure.  Never once to we actively seek the notion that it is all beyond understanding – that such a place as this is where are mind should be.  We are great deceivers, both inwardly and outwardly.

The pauper understands this, and so it is yet another thing that he seeks to give up and relinquish.

It’s all a case of transference.  I feel I don’t have the time to do the things I want, and transfer that onto home life.  Yet home life is great.  The only problem is work.  Even though I only work two days a week it takes up too much time.  The last two weeks we were both off work and I felt brilliant.

Now I look back over the past 10 years, it has always been this way with work.  At the moment it just feels a whole lot worse though.  I am trapping too much emotion inside – and it isn’t doing me much good at all.

Damn that shit brought me to tears – and that is no exaggeration!

It’s not just something that happens in my mind though or in my conversations – it also manifests in my writing. Sometimes in the form of a superiority-complex – which in truth is really an inferiority-complex. Truth is, I am becoming very uncomfertable with how I try and stand aloof from people. Don’t get me wrong, I am about as down to earth as you can get, but I don’t have much tolerance for the bull-shit social games people play. The ego-aggrandizement and the competitiveness are all issues I very much dislike dealing with. And when I look at people all I see are the games they play in an attempt to make themselves feel validated, I end up look at these people as though they are swimming in shit.

It’s not that I think I am better than them, it is more a case of through their own actions and lack of self-awareness, they lower themselves down and reduce so much of the potential they could otherwise have. And that gets to me for two reasons. One, because their crap interferes too much with me – they play their social games and expect me to participate. Their lack of understanding subtlety leads to the need for more, bigger, brighter, louder etc; and that too messes me and mine about. And then that makes it very difficult for me not to view people as idiots.

And that leads me onto point two; these people really don’t have to be that way. It is a lack of ‘education’ so to speak which causes it. It is a result of our materialistic society. Foolishness confounded by foolishness. And that’s when I want to do nothing but help. And that poses another problem because people don’t want to face themselves, and they either don’t want to be helped or believe they have no problem with they crap they do.

And in the end that brings me back to feeling a tad judgmental, with the feeling that I know better than them. If I do know better than someone else – should I feel that makes me better? I certainly don’t feel I am better or superior. But I do feel that I am far more aware. Are those the same things?

You know – I really do suspect that they aren’t…

For example I do something that may piss someone off, and then I spend the rest of the day or week worrying about what that other person will say, think or do.  And my thoughts are focused on that moment of confrontation – which in my mind I see as inevitable (even though in reality there is nothing really solid about the outcome).  What happens is that I don’t think past that imaginary moment…or if I do all events leading out are colored by that imaginary moment.

The instant I think past the problematic issue, I realize that I will still be doing what I always do; things will still be pretty much the same.  So someone may shout or rant and me.  But that doesn’t change anything around me, it’s just a case of the ranter having an ego-wank.  And really the fact of someone jacking-off shouldn’t really bother me all that much now should it.

So I used a bit too much of the ‘company sugar’ – when I put it like that, it seems almost laughable.

That’s my ego showing it’s ugly head – not being able to get its own way – whaaa!

Release is always the answer, and that doesn’t mean venting at someone as that makes things worse.  Just simply – release…

I think I may have just limited my access to my writing hobby due to a bit of a dumb mistake I just made.  I guess using corporate resources isn’t always the best way to get things done – but hey, even when we work for a company we are still free people.  Why then are we expected to behave and think in a certain specified manner?

Control, control, control…damn it annoys me.